Be careful how you JUDGE!!!!
Nov 26, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8H67TVNQEg

hey you guys welcome back to my channel
if you're new welcome to my channel
today I really contemplated I was
thinking of going live and then I just
you know I almost so it just wasn't
filling it to do it it's a little bit
later in the afternoon and I just got
home I had to run and go get gas in the
car try and do the last-minute things
before a lot of stuff is going to be
closed for the weekend due to
Thanksgiving so I went ahead and did
that while I had a chance and I'm
putting away no stuff so I thought you
know I'll just come over here and
chitchat with you guys for a little bit
and do it that way rather than going
live right now I just sat here today and
did my nails I know it's kind of hard to
see them but it's a silver glitter
underneath and then clear tip pink with
a clear tip and then this one is just a
little bit different but anyway it was
just something fun just just kind of
practicing playing around with it I'm
still trying to figure out this whole
poly gel stuff it's kind of it's
interesting stuff I mean it's very easy
to work with it's very you know like
workable once you figure it out but if
you're if you forget one step then you
pretty much have your nose just popping
off within a minute of doing them so
yeah that doesn't doesn't work out well
for me uh and that's what happened last
I did a whole whole nail set and I go to
start making dinner and OneNote pops off
and I'm like I just did them and then
another one popped up I'm like what did
I do when I sat there and thought about
I'm like oh my gosh I forgot to put the
gel base down before I did the nails and
if you don't do that obviously they
don't have anything to grip the Napali
gel doesn't have anything to grip onto
so therefore
they're just gonna pop because that's
just what they do so anywho I sat here
today and redid my nails and then after
I was done I was like I might as well go
and get the gas go check the Mel and do
the little things that I needed to do
and actually I got it like perfect
timing because I got over the bridge
fairly quickly versus normally about
this time it could take anywhere from 45
minutes to a good hour and a half to get
over the bridge so I got an imperfect
perfect timing I just hit the other
lanes and went a little bit of the
longer route but I was able to get home
fairly quickly and it's getting dark and
it's starting to rain so I was like
perfect timing so talking about the
whole vlogmas situation now that i
understand what vlogmas stands for like
i said i did not even know what what
miss really I knew what and tile but I
didn't know what the meaning was behind
it now that I know what its behind and
I'm sorry I'm pulling on this is like
slipping off my face um now that I
understand what the meaning of augment
understand what people are saying like
well you know if you don't celebrate
Christmas it wouldn't make much sense to
be celebrating or doing vlogmas which
makes a lot of sense I completely
understand that so I was sitting there
and somebody had suggested while you do
like vlogger sighs you know where you do
exercising and upload things about
health and I thought the house even a
really good idea I didn't think of it
that way but the problem with that is I
don't want to commit to every day doing
exercise when my body may not be able to
handle every single day but I still want
to do something in that realm because I
think that that would really fit with
what I'm trying to promote here with
myself right now and so
I'm still working on that how I wanted I
don't know how I want to do that but I
do definitely want to do some type of
vlogging type thing for December but I
just won't do it as vlogmas um so that
kind of straightens that part out I had
another couple of questions about why I
don't celebrate Thanksgiving because
Thanksgiving is not really a religious
holiday it's an American holiday so why
don't I celebrate Holi or celebrate
Thanksgiving with my family so I was
raised celebrating Thanksgiving I you
know I mean Thanksgiving was just it
wasn't made into a big deal around this
time of the year is my hardest niche of
the year I mean this is like my hardest
time of the year because this is where a
lot of hurt happened separation of
families and you know losing my mom
during that time so those two months
really hold like a big amount of sorrow
I guess you could say for me and know my
children didn't go through it so it's
you know yes I understand that there is
a point where I have to come to a grip
that my my children deserve to still
have a good memory of that because why
just because I have a bad memory of it
doesn't need to bleed into my children's
future and I completely understand those
comments and that is why I am in therapy
and that is why I'm in serious
counseling to get over this stuff to be
able to go on with life and not dwell
upon the things that happened when I was
a child but right now I'm still in that
era where I still haven't faced all of
my my dillion's of pain and so for me
it's just like I I see those months as
they're very dark for me they're just a
very dark months you know I go back on
November you know during November of
years ago and I remember there were
times where we had really good
Thanksgivings happy times families were
happy kids were happy everybody was
happy then there was you know there was
a time I remember going and visiting my
uncle at an alcohol rehab place and I
remember sitting in the cafeteria of
where his because it I think it was like
it it must have been check-in type thing
I remember going there with my our
little family and we ate Thanksgiving
dinner in the cafeteria with him I will
never forget that and why I say my uncle
is because I was living with one of my
aunts at the time and it was her husband
that was dealing with alcoholism
so I remembered that has a really big
time you know where that was a one of
our Thanksgivings you know was in
alcohol rehab you know cafeteria I
remember a couple things givings where
it was my mom's weekend at her
rehabilitation center or whatever you
call them I don't know what they're
called but they're her drug rehab things
because she was in like in house as well
and I remember going and spending a
Thanksgiving with her there and you know
eating in the cafeteria with all the
people and have tea until leave my mom
there after you know being able to spend
a few hours with her having to leave my
mother there was really hard for me I
don't think that my family truly knew
what
I was going through emotionally I was
really good about hiding it I was really
good about not letting people know that
I was dying inside you know I mean who
could be happy during that time when
you're losing everything that you want
you know and you have to walk away from
it that's what comes up when I think
about Thanksgiving is when I was taken
from my mom that was the year one you
know one of the things givings that was
when I went to a family Thanksgiving
dinner and I want to say I was like I
had to have been seven at the time and
over a big family dinner that my side of
the family decided that my mother did
not need to have me and my brother in
her care anymore due to her drug use and
the lack of you know caring for our
needs basically and so there you have
one Thanksgiving where I was ripped for
my parents you know there's so much so
much that I can go back on of why I
really don't like celebrating holidays
that are particularly to Thanksgiving
and Christmas you know Christmas is
another really painful holiday Christmas
was when I got my new family every
Christmas Eve it was well it's it's
holidays you know holiday break on
school it's a good time to move the kids
to the next family so we would pack up
our bags and we would go on to the next
new family and this happened over a
multiple amount of times and so the the
fact of knowing christmas is coming
it wasn't an exciting time for me it was
I wonder what family I'm going to go to
next so I always dreaded December coming
because I knew that was what I was going
to lose the home that I've known for a
year year and a half to go to the next
new
family and so I just want to shine it
out there that you know the holidays can
be the most amazing thing to some people
but there are some people that die
inside during these times and I just
wish that people would be very cautious
and careful because you don't know who's
hurting and who's not you don't know
what everybody has been through holidays
can be a very painful time for people
whether it's because they've lost loved
ones whether they've lost themselves
maybe they you know have hit rock bottom
with an addiction or maybe they're
suffering because they don't have enough
money they can't buy gifts like other
people buy gifts you know just be
cautious because like myself I'm very
good at putting a fake smile on a I'm
okay smile and I can be dying inside and
I know there's so many more people out
there that do the same thing but don't
take that for granted that somebody
might really truly be hurting so when
you ask somebody well why don't you
celebrate the holidays and you make it
be a reason like that they should be
shameful of maybe wonder and ask
yourself I wonder why they don't
celebrate that holiday I wonder if my
listening ear can help this beer for
this person sometimes being able to talk
about your feelings can help somebody be
able to get over the pain that they are
struggling with to where they will be
able to one day enjoy those holidays
with their families again but sometimes
it just takes being able to talk it out
and I have been in therapy for two and a
half years and I'm still weakly going to
my therapy this is a long road for me it
is a very long road you don't just wake
up one day and get over it because
you want to get over it as much as I
want to get over things and I want to
make you know traditions with my
children so that they grow up and they
put those traditions to their children
I just emotionally can't do it yet I
just can't and that should be okay that
should be accepted if I can't do it
right now that's okay my children will
understand they may not get it now but
they will understand mommy was working
on herself she was working on being able
to find happiness where she has always
been hurt those times of the year bring
up very very very dark memories very
dark memories so when I'm now talking
about it I'm putting that out there for
other people that may not know the words
to say hey I don't celebrate
Thanksgiving because x y&z; happened when
I was growing up and it brings back
those memories and it's just a very hard
time for me I don't want to be happy
right now and that's okay you don't have
to be happy everybody doesn't have to be
happy just because somebody's happy
there are people that get all into the
spirit of Christmas and Thanksgiving and
decorate their houses and put out the
full dinner and you know just everything
and that is amazing but that doesn't
mean just because you do it that the
next person has to because that's not
the way that the world turns it really
doesn't now for me and my family about a
year ago I was talking to my counselor
and I was like you know I really want to
do something for my children as a
tradition for our family it might not I
don't want to make a tradition around
these holidays this isn't these these
holidays don't feel like my holidays
they just I really like to just play it
off as just another day but I want to
traditions into my family somewhere
along the year and so me and my
counselor we brainstormed and we came up
with
why can't New Year's Day be our our
celebration day and I was like what an
amazing idea what a great time it's a
new year a new first start you know the
the years things are in the past we're
starting with a new fresh time and so
since last year we started on New Year's
Day we give the kids a gift and we make
a nice turkey dinner just like you would
have a Thanksgiving or any other feasts
tea dinner or holiday and we you know
make our turkey dinner and stuff and we
do it on New Year's a day rather than
Thanksgiving or Christmas and for me I
look forward to that time now now I have
something to look forward to now I start
planning okay this is what we're gonna
do this day we're gonna do this we're
gonna have this okay we got to get you
know the kids this and it just makes it
worth excitement because now that time I
can enjoy and as my kids get older I
want this tradition to continue so when
they're older and they have their
children they come back home and we
still celebrate our New Year's tradition
holiday because that's what mama does
that's what mama that's what makes mama
happy and my kids will understand that I
don't think they're gonna hate me
because mama was going through some very
hard times and she wanted to do
something that would make her happy
along with all of us and this is what we
did traditionally now we celebrate
Thanksgiving we celebrate New Year's
sorry hmm
and then when it comes to Christmas time
it is when we don't celebrate Christmas
it's just you know it's obviously
everybody knows that Christmas is
surrounded around the birth of Jesus
and you know I'm not at all against
Jesus I believe in Jesus I believe he's
a he's a person but you know I'm not
getting into religious talk I really try
to not bring religion per se in to my
channel and rather unless it's like a
question that I'm a on scene answering
but otherwise I really try to keep
religion topics that I'm gonna be
talking about to you guys off my
platform because I never want somebody
to think that I am preachy towards them
or making them feel like they have to be
a certain way to be on my channel or you
know anything like that because I love
everybody whether you believe you don't
believe whether you have different
beliefs it doesn't matter to me
everybody is the same we're all human
and we all belong together at some point
but with Christmas you know obviously
when I celebrated it as a child I
celebrate as the birth of Jesus we would
believe that Santa Claus would bring the
gifts and the elves made the gifts and
you know the whole shebang but as I got
older you know eventually I knew Santa
Claus wasn't real and then I grew into
teenager years where you know it was the
story of the birth of Jesus and the
three wise men and then as I got about
I'm gonna say 18
maybe even 17 I that's what I really
noticed that the holidays were starting
to take a damper on me and I started
kind of backtracking a little bit with
the Christmas holiday um and when I
moved out on my own I have never ever
owned a Christmas tree since the day
that I have moved out of my family's
home and I'll never forget my family
would spend like 250 dollars on a
Christmas tree and they're beautiful
don't get me wrong they got the flocked
tree the white ones and I swear you not
they knew during Christmas time I was so
excited because I was sitting next to
the Christmas tree and use it as my
trash can and I would legit take my
trash and stick it in
trash earned to the tree that's what
that's what Christmas trees are to me
they're trash that's what I see a
Christmas tree house I hate Christmas
trees because of the symbol that it
brings up to me that when children have
tons of gifts under the tree we had none
when I was growing up when I was younger
is that to put shame on my mother at the
time no no it's not but still the symbol
of Christmas trees don't resemble a good
memory to me and that's why I don't like
Christmas trees and I've never brought
one into my home since I have been on my
own so that just never changed and then
when I converted to Islam clearly you
know Muslims don't celebrate Christmas
and so that was a pretty quick one an
easy one for me to kind of just let go
it almost was a good thing because then
I was just like okay I don't have to I
don't have to celebrate it and I don't
owe anybody an explanation why don't
other than I'm a Muslim and I don't have
to celebrate it but if you really dive
into my life and you really know the
person I am and what I have gone through
you would know that under the line of
I'm a Muslim and we don't celebrate
Christmas is I don't celebrate Christmas
because of what it resembles and so
again i'm gonna close here early felt
heavy hearted to talk about that and
just really bring that up to you guys to
just remember when you guys are sharing
you know the pictures of your children
opening their gifts and you're talking
about on social media or even maybe in
your own channels about the gifts that
you're buying your children and the
gifts you're buying your spouses maybe
just keep a little reminder that there
are families out there that don't have
the means to give their children what
they see everybody else give me their
children
and it can be a very painful time so I'm
not saying oh you have to you know hide
what you do to your family because you
know others can't give it to their
children but I'm just saying maybe use a
little bit of compassion and keep in
mind that there are children that will
see pictures of other children getting
hunt you know tons of gifts and very
expensive gifts and maybe there is a
child that will only receive one gift
and maybe that gift was a dollar from
the dollar store and so just keep in
mind that there are others around you
not just you that we exist here on this
earth and we all have to celebrate
certain things at different times of the
year some love and some don't love them
some accept them and some don't but the
ones that don't celebrate them or ones
that don't look forward to them don't
shame them because you never know what
the reason is for you never ever know
why and where their story comes from
that you would know why they don't
celebrate those holidays or the days of
so anyways I am gonna close I hope you
guys all had a wonderful wonderful
Tuesday stay warm it's pretty cold here
as you could see I'm just like glue and
I need to go get my seat heater on but I
hope everybody is having a blessed week
and I will check in with you guys later
I love you all thank you for joining my
channel to all my new subscribers and to
all my loyal once I have been here from
the get-go thank you so much I truly
appreciate it love each and every one of
you you guys bye-bye